Why Clients Resist the Change They Asked For

Resistance isn’t the enemy. It’s information.

If you’re a therapist, counsellor, coach, hypnotist, or any other kind of agent of change, you’ve probably encountered a puzzling situation.

A client comes to you and says they desperately want to change. They want to stop smoking, eliminate anxiety, overcome procrastination, become more confident, or finally get rid of some persistent behaviour that’s making their life miserable.

You do good work with them. You use the techniques you know. You give them your full attention and apply everything you’ve learned.

And nothing happens.

Or perhaps something happens briefly, but the change doesn’t last.

It’s tempting to assume that the client is being difficult, stubborn, or deliberately resistant. But in my experience, that’s rarely a useful way of looking at it. Resistance isn’t the enemy. It’s information.

A Vague Preference Is Not a Decision

People frequently want something consciously while resisting it unconsciously. They may genuinely want the result, but not be willing to pay the price required to achieve it. They might say, “I guess I should stop smoking,” which isn’t remotely the same as congruently deciding, “I’m finished with smoking.”

One is a vague preference. The other is a decision.

Years ago, I had a relative who claimed he wanted to stop smoking. The problem was that he had no intention of actually stopping. It was his wife who wanted him to quit, but he hadn’t reached threshold. He came to me knowing nothing would change, but at least she’d get off his back about smoking. The discomfort of continuing hadn’t yet become greater than the perceived cost of changing.

Every Persistent Behaviour Began With a Positive Intention

Not changing doesn’t make someone stupid or weak, and it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re deliberately sabotaging themselves. Sometimes the behaviour is still performing an important function, even though the person consciously hates it. In fact, every persistent behaviour began with some sort of positive intention. That doesn’t mean the behaviour is positive. It means that somewhere along the line, the person’s unconscious mind discovered that the behaviour produced a useful result.

Smoking might create a pause in the day, a sense of belonging, or a way to regulate emotion. Alcohol might provide access to an entire social world in the local bar. Anxiety may be attempting to create preparation, vigilance, or protection. Procrastination can prevent someone from risking failure, criticism, or overwhelm.

In fact, procrastination can even masquerade as productivity. Someone researches, studies, plans, buys another course, and organizes everything perfectly, but never begins. In cases like that, education may be more useful than therapy. They don’t need to heal a deep psychological wound. They need to learn how to take the first step.

Even physical pain can sometimes acquire an additional unconscious function. This certainly doesn’t mean that pain isn’t real or that every painful condition is psychological. But for some people, pain may also provide protection from an unbearable job, an uncomfortable gathering, or a person they don’t want to confront. Others may carry a deeply rooted belief that they deserve to suffer.

What Does This Behaviour Provide?

If we simply attack the symptom, we may strengthen the very resistance we’re attempting to remove.

The best question is this:

What does this behaviour provide that the person isn’t getting anywhere else?

Once we know that, we can separate the behaviour from the useful result it’s trying to produce. We can respect the protective intention without approving of the old method. That’s the heart of effective reframing and parts work. We don’t attempt to overpower the unconscious mind. We recruit it.

This is also why ecology checks matter. What will the client gain if they change? What might they lose? Who else will be affected? The answers to these questions can be quite compelling.

A sudden increase in confidence or independence might threaten an important relationship. Recovery might mean losing care, attention, or permission to rest. Success may bring visibility to someone who’s terrified of being judged. A person may say they want confidence while secretly fearing they’ll become arrogant.

When Identity and Goals Disagree, Identity Wins

Identity can be even more powerful than goals. “I want to stop smoking” is very different from “I’m a non-smoker.” One describes a desired action. The other describes who the person is.

When a proposed change doesn’t fit someone’s identity, the identity will usually win.

Get the Unconscious Mind Onside

This is why we need curiosity instead of frustration. Ideomotor signals, metaphors, parts work, reframing, and future pacing can all help create internal cooperation. The more the client’s ego states are aligned, the easier change becomes. Sometimes a protective part simply needs to be acknowledged, thanked, and given a better job.

And we must always check our work. Can the client imagine taking the new response into the real world? Does any part of them object? Is the replacement behaviour healthy, available, and enjoyable? Does it preserve the benefit the old behaviour was attempting to provide?

The goal isn’t to defeat the unconscious mind. The goal is to get it onside.

So when someone appears to resist change, don’t push harder. Become curious about what that resistance is trying to accomplish.

If you keep banging your head against the door of the problem, you’ll only give yourself a headache. Find the key that unlocks it, or look for an open window.

You may discover that you’ve been trying to solve the wrong problem.

- Mike Mandel