Why do some people seem naturally motivated while others struggle to make decisions? Why do some goals ignite excitement and others feel like a chore? The answer lies beneath the surface—in your values.
Values are the silent engines running the show behind every decision, goal, and emotional reaction. Most people don’t know what their values are, and even fewer know how to use them. But once values are brought into conscious awareness, everything changes. Motivation becomes automatic. Clarity sharpens. And life gets a whole lot easier to navigate.
This guide offers a step-by-step approach for discovering, prioritizing, and leveraging personal values. Whether you're a coach, therapist, hypnotist, or simply committed to personal growth, this work is essential.What Are Values, and Why Do They Matter?
In the world of neurolinguistic programming (NLP), values are defined as closely held criteria—the core emotional drivers that determine what matters most. These aren't surface-level interests like “I like chocolate” or “I value my iPhone.” Real values run deeper. They are the unconscious rules by which you navigate the world.
Values guide:
- Decision-making
- Emotional responses
- Motivation patterns
- Relationship dynamics
- Long-term goals and behaviors
They are deeply personal and often unconscious, which is why two people might use the same word—say, “success”—but mean entirely different things.
The power comes from bringing these values into conscious awareness, identifying how they’re ranked, and aligning life accordingly.The Different Types of Values
There are two categories of personal values, and understanding both is crucial.
Toward Values
These are the states or experiences you’re drawn to—what you're striving to gain. Examples include:
- Freedom
- Connection
- Growth
- Adventure
- Health
- Love
- Success
They represent the desired end states that shape your goals and plans.
Away-From Values
These are the emotional states or life conditions you avoid. Examples include:
- Rejection
- Failure
- Loneliness
- Humiliation
- Illness
- Stress
They represent what the brain instinctively moves away from, often operating like an internal warning system.
Ignoring these values creates internal friction. Understanding both types helps eliminate inner conflict and brings clarity to seemingly irrational behaviors.
How to Discover Your Values
To begin this values clarification process, start with a simple question:
“What’s important to me in life?”
Write down the first responses that come to mind. Don’t filter or edit—let your unconscious mind speak. You might find words like:
- Family
- Security
- Creativity
- Learning
- Integrity
- Contribution
Then, for each one, ask:
“What does this give me?”
This uncovers the end values hiding behind the means values. For example:
- “I value family.” ? “What does family give you?” ? “Love and connection.”
- “I value learning.” ? “What does learning give you?” ? “Growth and confidence.”
Keep asking “What does this give me?” until you hit a value that feels complete and no longer leads to another answer. That’s your core value.
Repeat this process twice, with a break in between. The second round often reveals deeper values that didn’t surface the first time.
How to Prioritize Your Values
Once you have your list of toward values, rank them using a comparison method.
Pick two values and ask:
“If I could only have one of these, which one is more important?”
Once again, don’t filter or edit—let your unconscious speak. Then compare the “winner” to the next item on the list. Continue until all values are ranked in order of importance.
This step brings critical clarity. What you think matters most isn’t always what your unconscious mind truly prioritizes.
And here's why this matters: Your top three values run the show. They’re the internal compass behind nearly everything you do.
Define the Rules Behind Each Value
Even if two people have the same value—say, “freedom”—they’ll experience it in completely different ways. That’s because each value has rules.
To uncover these rules, ask:
“How do I know when I have this value?”
Examples:
- “I know I have freedom when I don’t wake up to an alarm clock.”
- “I know I have success when I meet my income target each month.”
- “I know I’m loved when someone takes time to listen to me.”
This is what NLP calls evidence criteria—the specific cues your brain uses to confirm a value is being met. If your rules are too rigid or unrealistic, your brain will always feel like you're falling short.
Check for that. Challenge it. Rewrite the rules if necessary.
Discover and Rank Your Away-From Values
Next, flip the script. Ask:
“What emotional states or life experiences do I want to avoid?”
This list might include:
- Failure
- Loneliness
- Embarrassment
- Financial insecurity
- Being misunderstood
Again, take a break, then repeat the process. Often, deeper fears reveal themselves the second time around.
Then, rank them using the same comparison method. Ask:
“Which of these would I rather avoid?”
Just like the toward values, uncover the evidence criteria for each one:
“How do I know when I’m experiencing this?”
Understanding the signs of what you want to avoid brings power. You’ll spot triggers earlier and handle them with greater emotional intelligence.
Using Values to Motivate Yourself and Influence Others
Values drive motivation. Once you know what yours are, use them to:
- Create goals that inspire you
- Eliminate confusion when making big decisions
- Communicate more effectively with others
To motivate someone else, speak to their values, not yours. A classic example:
You want your friend to join you on an exciting cruise. Your top value is adventure, but theirs is safety. If you say, “It’s going to be wild—we’ll dive off the boat and swim with sharks!” you’ll terrify them.
Instead, talk about the ship’s safety features, expert crew, and medical facilities. Speak their language.
Understanding values lets you build rapport, eliminate resistance, and influence with integrity.
Realign Values After Major Life Changes
Life changes. And when it does, so do your values.
Winning the lottery, getting married, having a child, recovering from illness, or losing a loved one—these events shake the internal value system.
What used to matter may not matter anymore.
That’s why it’s essential to revisit your values periodically, especially after major transitions. Redo the exercise. Re-rank your list. Reconnect with what truly matters now, not five years ago.
Your reticular activating system (RAS)—the part of the brain responsible for filtering attention—will lock onto whatever you focus on. Reviewing your values keeps them active in your awareness, shaping the life you’re building with precision.
Understanding personal values isn’t optional—it’s fundamental. Values are the hidden software that runs the entire system of human experience. When people feel stuck, unmotivated, or lost, it’s almost always because they’re out of alignment with their values.
This process brings values to the surface, makes them usable, and opens the door to a more intentional, fulfilled life.
- Want more motivation? Align your goals with your top three values.
- Want deeper relationships? Learn the values of others and speak to them.
- Want clarity? Know what you want—and what you’re avoiding.
Return to your values often. Let them guide your decisions. And when life changes, check in again.
That’s how to live, in alignment. That’s how to stay motivated. That’s how to take control of your mind.
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