Years ago, I had a client who struggled with an all-too-common problem: she couldn’t say no.
She was a successful professional, respected in her field, but when it came to setting boundaries, she folded like a cheap card table. People constantly asked her for favors, extra work, and commitments she didn’t want to take on. And she always said yes—because she was afraid of seeming rude, unhelpful, or selfish.
But here’s the thing: every time she said yes to something she didn’t want, she was really saying no—to herself. No to her free time. No to her well-being. No to the things she actually wanted to do.
And she wasn’t alone.
We’ve all been there. Someone asks for our time, money, or energy, and even though we know we don’t want to say yes, we do it anyway. We justify it to ourselves. It’s not a big deal… It’ll be awkward if I refuse… They’ll be upset if I say no…
But saying no is a skill. And like any skill, it can be learned, practiced, and mastered.
Why Saying No Feels So Hard
At its core, the difficulty of saying no comes down to two things:
- Fear of conflict – We don’t want to disappoint or upset people.
- Lack of a clear strategy – We stumble, over-explain, or get talked out of our own boundaries.
This is where the Agree and Repeat strategy becomes incredibly useful.
Instead of arguing, justifying, or feeling guilty, you simply acknowledge the other person’s request and calmly repeat your stance.
It’s like verbal Aikido—you redirect their energy without getting drawn into a struggle.
Here’s an example:
Friend: “Hey, can you help me move this weekend?”
You: “I understand you need help, but I can’t this weekend.”
Friend: “Come on, it’s just a few hours.”
You: “I get that it’s just a few hours, but I can’t this weekend.”
Friend: “Wow, really? I helped you move!”
You: “I totally appreciate that, but I still can’t this weekend.”
No excuses. No long explanations. Just simple acknowledgment and repetition.
The Hidden Power of Repetition
Repetition does something powerful—it trains people to accept your boundaries without needing a debate. The more you hold firm without engaging emotionally, the quicker they realize that your “no” is final.
It also stops you from falling into the classic trap of over-explaining your reasons. The more details you give, the more ammunition they have to argue.
For example, let’s say you say:
“I’d love to, but I have a ton of work to do this weekend.”
Now they might respond with:
“Well, can’t you do it later? Or just help in the morning?”
Suddenly, you’re in a negotiation over your own time. Instead, just repeat the core message:
“I understand, but I can’t this weekend.”
Simple. Clear. Effective.
When People Push Back Hard
Some people won’t take no for an answer. They’ll guilt-trip, pressure, or even get angry.
This is where emotional detachment comes in.
If someone starts using guilt—“I guess I just know who my real friends are now…”—the best response is to stay calm and unbothered.
“I hear that you’re upset, but I still can’t help this weekend.”
No arguments. No guilt. Just calm repetition.
Saying No to Family (The Ultimate Challenge)
Saying no is even harder when it’s family.
I once had a client whose mother would constantly “drop by” unannounced. Every time he tried to set a boundary, she’d make him feel like an ungrateful son.
He started using a version of Agree and Repeat.
Mom: “I was in the neighborhood, so I thought I’d stop in!”
Him: “I love seeing you, but I need to plan visits ahead of time.”
Mom: “Oh, come on, I’m your mother!”
Him: “I know, and I love you, but I still need to plan visits ahead of time.”
Mom: “You’re too busy for your own mother?”
Him: “I hear that you feel that way, but I still need to plan visits ahead of time.”
And guess what? After a few weeks, she stopped showing up unannounced.
The Big Takeaway
Saying no doesn’t have to mean being rude, aggressive, or feeling guilty. It’s just about being clear, calm, and consistent.
- Acknowledge the request or emotion.
- Repeat your boundary without over-explaining.
- Stay calm and detached—their emotions are not your responsibility.
And remember: Every time you say no to something you don’t want, you’re saying yes to something you do want.
Your time and energy are valuable. Protect them.
- Mike Mandel
(Chris here: Did you know that Mike's entire "Mandel Trilogy" hypnosis bundle is included in the Brain Software Syndicate. The price to join is ridiculously low.)