The Power of Distinctions
How can something so simple make such a big difference?
Have you heard of distinctions?
In the world of NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming), distinctions refer to the small differences in our behavior that can lead to significant improvements.
In essence, distinctions are subtle shifts that create remarkable results.
I’ve already discussed reframing, which is a great example of a distinction.
To reframe means to change the meaning of something. For instance, instead of interpreting a wife’s comments as “nagging,” a husband might see them as “showing concern.” This simple shift can lead to valuable insights—and even a stronger marriage.
There are countless distinctions like this. Recently, I came across another one while trying to separate frozen beef patties without accidentally stabbing myself in the hand with a sharp paring knife.
The solution? Use a blunt, round-edged knife (like a butter knife) and gently tap it between the patties with a hammer. The patties separate cleanly, no injuries, no frustration.
Simple distinctions like these can have a surprisingly powerful impact. Here’s one of my favorites to use in the heat of a debate:
We’ve all been in situations where it’s crucial to stay calm and composed, even when the other person’s comments or expressions are frustrating. If we react impulsively, it can quickly escalate into a pointless argument.
Personally, I dislike conversations that devolve into emotional outbursts—where people stop listening, push each other’s buttons, or bring up irrelevant points.
The good news is, I came across a fascinating study from the University of St. Andrews in Scotland that introduced me to an incredibly effective distinction.
According to lead researcher Annah McCurry, “This is a simple, free, and effective hack to reduce negative emotions during arguments. It’s cheaper than couples therapy and can be easily integrated into everyday interactions.”

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Here’s the distinction: when a conversation starts heading into emotional or argumentative territory, pause for five seconds before responding. (I mentally count to five, using the old photographer’s method: Kodak one…Kodak two…)
That’s it—just five seconds. Longer pauses, such as ten or fifteen seconds, don’t add any extra benefit. But waiting for five seconds is enough to prevent knee-jerk reactions and guide the conversation back to productive, calm communication.
Why not give this simple technique a try? Of course, it’s not a solution for situations involving abuse or violence, but for everyday disagreements, it’s a powerful tool to avoid unnecessary conflict.
- Mike Mandel