Some people seem to specialize in ineffective communication…
About ten years ago, I was the communications expert on CBC Television’s Steven and Chris show. I held that position for two seasons, until one of the hosts tragically passed away. During that time, I discussed numerous communication pitfalls that even highly intelligent people frequently stumble into.
Interpersonal communication is a skill with many teachable components—body language, vocal tone, careful questioning, and more. By paying closer attention to these elements and practicing them, you can significantly improve your ability to communicate clearly and remain calm during emotional conversations.
One common miscommunication pattern I’ve observed is what I call the scattergun approach. I’ve encountered this style among certain relatives (who shall remain nameless).
In effective communication, a speaker stays focused, logically pursuing a topic in an organized way. But a scattergun communicator constantly jumps between ideas as they come to mind, regardless of relevance. The result? A meandering conversation that produces illogical conclusions as each random thought sparks another off-topic tangent.
Think of the central point of the discussion as the bullseye in the middle of a target. All side-steps that move from the central point should be ignored, as you gently recenter your aim on the bullseye.
The solution? Preparation. Keep a pen and paper handy during discussions. This simple tool helps you gently steer the conversation back on course and focus on resolving the main issue, rather than getting lost in a dozen unrelated subtopics.
Years ago, my wife and I were counseling a couple whose relationship was hitting a rough patch. The woman was trying to stay focused on their issues, but the man leapt from topic to topic like a kangaroo on a hot tin roof. At one point, he said, “It’s like electrons and positrons,” to which I quickly replied, “No, it’s not like that at all.” He was misapplying something he’d read recently, and it had no bearing on the discussion.
If I were having that conversation today, I’d document the main points as they arose and use those notes to bring the conversation back on track.
Another common communication issue arises when people let their emotions take the wheel. Once adrenaline floods your system, logic and reason often fly out the window, and feelings start trumping facts. While emotions have their place in human interaction, they aren’t effective tools for resolving interpersonal conflicts—because facts don’t care about feelings, and negative emotions can lead to words we wish we’d never said.
The Human Givens theory, developed in Cambridge, England, explains that strong emotions temporarily reduce our ability to think clearly. Advertisers exploit this phenomenon, using emotional appeals to trigger our desire for idiotic products we don’t actually need—like a coffee table with a built-in coffee machine. In emotional states, we’re more prone to irrational decisions, leaving us vulnerable to manipulation.
The same is true in conversations. When a discussion starts to heat up, it’s important to recognize the signs. At Level One, we’re calm and focused, dealing with facts and data.
But as emotions creep in—flushed faces, irritation, the rush of adrenaline—we begin sliding toward Level Two. This is the time to rein it in. Take a break, breathe, and reset to restore your rationality.
Fail to do this, and you risk entering Level Three: the war zone. Here, logic vanishes, emotions rule, and the conversation devolves into chaos. Often, the first person to start crying “wins” as the other party retreats or gives up.
To avoid this, I recommend the five-second rule. Simply pausing for five seconds before responding in a heated discussion can work wonders. It prevents impulsive reactions, gives you time to process your thoughts, and keeps the conversation grounded in logic.
You don’t need a stopwatch—just mentally count “Kodak 1, Kodak 2, Kodak 3…” as old-time photographers did during film development. This brief pause helps you respond thoughtfully instead of being derailed by knee-jerk emotions or triggers.
This technique is particularly helpful when someone launches a “nuclear strike”—a deliberate comment, expression, or action designed to push your buttons. Whether it’s a smirk, turning away mid-conversation, or a belittling remark, these moments are engineered to throw you off balance. The five-second rule gives you the space to stay calm and keep the conversation on track.
Another key communication strategy involves zombie arguments. Every relationship has old grievances that seem to rise from the dead, dragging their moldy negativity into present-day conversations. Once a zombie argument appears, the discussion loses focus and becomes counterproductive.
To avoid this, discuss the concept of zombie arguments with your significant other during a calm and happy moment. Agree to let the past stay buried. If a zombie rises again, gently remind your partner, “We’ve already slain this one, and we agreed not to let it come back.”
By learning and consistently applying these communication tools, you’ll make huge strides in your ability to communicate effectively, keep discussions on track, and avoid emotional storms that derail productive conversations.
- Mike Mandel
(Chris here: Did you know that Mike's entire "Mandel Trilogy" hypnosis bundle is included in the Brain Software Syndicate. The price to join is ridiculously low.)