It’s never too early to be old… really old…
Hello fellow men! This article is all about you, although women readers of this Sunday email are sure to appreciate it too.
In your quest for a good life, do you ever feel that you are just not coming across as old enough? Of course you do. We all do. It is almost universal.
After all, why wouldn’t a man want to be perceived as old and wise, with all the authority, respect, and gravitas that such a reputation confers. The dream is to have people nod quietly as you speak, whispering to each other, “Ah yes, he has lived… he has seen things…”
So, how can you accelerate the process of becoming prematurely ancient? Let me show you.
For instance, in order to conserve energy, you can master the geriatric shuffle by never fully lifting your feet off the ground when you walk. This is most effective when combined with a stiff-armed gait, where the arms remain glued to your sides.
Swinging arms can seem too youthful and aggressive, as though you are about to compete in an Olympic sprint. Nothing ruins the illusion of elder statesmanship like moving with actual vitality.
When it comes to turning your head, do not.
That is rookie behavior.
By keeping your neck rigid, you can rotate your torso instead, preserving the maximum amount of calcification in your spine and helping your body freeze into place more quickly.
The less range of motion, the more people will instinctively offer to carry things for you, or offer seats on the bus, and that’s the true goal.
Your default speed should be slow, occasionally venturing down into snail pace, especially when crosswalks or traffic lights are involved. Remember, as Dr. Lieberman said, to seem younger you must move faster, so the trick is to move with an almost cosmic slowness.
If a driver behind you, at a crosswalk, starts drumming their fingers in frustration, you are doing it correctly.
Fashion, or lack thereof, can be a powerful ally. Remember: beige is your best colour now…
Begin with an ill-fitting golf shirt, that has survived at least three hundred washings, preferably with collar tips that curl upwards like devil horns. If there are food stains that resist removal, so much the better.
Top it off with a Tilley hat pulled down low, one that hides your face as if you’re in Witness Protection or just paranoid of youth gangs.
Feet require sandals, but they should be worn over knee-high nylon dress socks, especially at more formal events. These are the gold standard of self-sabotage.
The acceptable alternative is worn and grayed-out athletic socks with shiny black dress shoes, which cheerfully announce, “Hi, I am completely out of touch.” Bonus points if you wear them to a wedding.
Oversized cargo shorts are a great addition, especially when paired with a braided leather belt that sits a good four inches above your navel. Nothing telegraphs maturity like rearranging your waistband just below the ribcage.
Add a fanny pack—preferably faded, cracked leather—and you are instantly twenty years older. A second fanny pack, worn backwards, is next-level mastery.
Another nice touch is the sarcopenia slide.
To achieve this, you must avoid strength training at all costs, which can de-age your body at a frightening rate. If your upper arms resemble linguini, you are on the right track.
For extra aging points, move as if you are underwater, with deliberate pauses, as though you are conserving oxygen. This will convey fragility, helplessness, and perhaps inspire someone to give you a chair.
Purchasing a golf cart can work wonders to tell the world you are officially old. After all, why walk a long distance like one hundred yards when you can ride there in padded comfort.
Do not forget to honk at pedestrians.
Stay away from pickleball at all costs. It is too good for your social life and cardiovascular fitness. It can result in better sleep quality, healthier friendships, and spontaneous laughter, all of which are a real danger to your reputation as a grizzled sage.
As far as food goes, frequently mention how spicy food does not agree with you anymore, and remember to praise Jell-O, stewed prunes, and white toast as if they were Michelin-starred delicacies.
Make it your mission never to try foreign cuisine or anything unfamiliar. Saying, “This is just the way I am” will shut down any resistance from those who attempt to expand your culinary horizons.
Throw in a suspicious glance when someone offers you sushi and ask, “But is it cooked?”
Talk about “the price of things these days,” especially if you have a couple of million in savings. Announce proudly that you found a shop across town where you can save twenty cents on a bar of soap, and describe the journey in detail.
Your grandchildren may be rolling their eyes, but they will secretly admire your thriftiness, or so you must tell yourself.
Make sure to tell everyone that you “do not trust the cloud.” Squint at your smartphone like it is an alien artifact, and use full-arm sweeping gestures when swiping. Extra points if you stab at the screen with your index finger, pausing after every press to check whether something exploded.
Remember to call it “The Google” and “The Facebook” and always, always mention how you preferred it when phones were attached to the wall.
Endlessly refer to the past and how great it was. Even if you are only talking about 2009.
Mention how you cannot even tell what the words are in modern popular music. Tell people you miss the sound of dial-up internet, the clarity of cassette tapes, and when “streaming” referred to water.
But if you choose to resist the pull toward a premature elderly existence, you can simply do the opposite of all these pointers and flip aging on its head.
Walk with energy, keep your muscles alive, wear clothes that fit and flatter, experience new foods, and stay curious. Aging can be a psychological construct, and in many ways it is something you get to decide.
It’s helpful to have someone in your life who cares enough to correct you. As my wife likes to say “Unnagged men are deficient.”
As for me, I am off to do a kick-ass workout, and I’ll be listening to Black Sabbath…
- Mike Mandel
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