Don’t let other people’s lives become your responsibility…
There was a time when I used to get pulled into other people’s problems, and I genuinely believed I was helping.
No one had to pressure me very hard. It wasn’t like anyone was forcing me into anything. It was more that I saw myself as someone who could step in, sort things out, maybe even fix something that had gone off the rails. I liked being useful. I liked being the guy who could make a difference. So when situations came up, I said yes, often without thinking too much about it.
Looking back now, I can see exactly what was happening.
A friend of mine had a brother going through serious relational problems, and the friend asked me to drive two hours to go and talk to his brother for the family. I had never even met the guy, but I agreed. It felt like the right thing to do at the time, like I could contribute something meaningful and maybe help stabilize the situation.
On another occasion, a friend’s wife was dealing with her memories of her own father, going all the way back to sexual abuse from her childhood. Instead of her handling that directly, her husband convinced me to go and talk to the father for them. Again, it seemed reasonable at the time, like I was stepping into something that mattered.
Now I see both of those situations very differently.
Because here’s the truth, and this is the part that really lands for me now. It didn’t work. Not in either case. Being triangulated into those situations didn’t resolve anything, didn’t create clarity, and certainly didn’t produce lasting change. There was no real shift in the relationships involved. All it did was pull me into picking up a weight that was never mine to carry in the first place, and it put me in the middle of family dynamics that were nothing to do with me at all..
That would never happen now.
What I didn’t understand back then is that this is something called triangulation. It’s when a third person gets pulled into other people’s issues. Instead of dealing with their problem directly, they bring someone else in to carry part of the load, to say what they don’t want to say, or to try to fix what they’re unwilling to face themselves.
It often sounds very reasonable when it’s happening, and that’s part of why it works.
People say things like, “You should talk to him,... or “Can you tell her this for me?” or the ones I hear all the time: “I know you’re the only one who can help.” “They’ll be really grateful…” and “You’re exactly what they need right now..”
It sounds flattering. It feels like trust. It even feels like an opportunity to do something good.
But it’s still triangulation.
I had a client who wanted her husband to come and see me for therapy because he was dealing with chronic pain. I said, “That’s fine. Have him contact me and we’ll set something up.”
She said, “No, no, he’s ready. You contact him. He’s ready right now.”
I told her, “Great. Then have him send me an email and ask me to help him."
But she just kept pushing. She wanted me to reach out to him, to initiate him being my client, and to somehow get him to engage. In her mind, if I just made contact, everything would fall into place and he would follow through.
At that point, it was completely obvious what was happening.
She was trying to triangulate me into the situation. She wanted me to step in and create the motivation for him, to be the catalyst, instead of him taking that step by himself.
That’s not how change works, and deep down, people know that.
If someone is truly ready, they act. They reach out. They take responsibility for the process. They do not need to be nudged into it by a third party. In this case, he never contacted me, and I never saw him. Not because I could not help, but because I refused to step into a triangle that would have undermined everything from the beginning.
But there’s another side to this that is just as important, and people miss it all the time.
Sometimes triangulation goes the other way. People insert themselves into your situation and start telling you what you should do. They offer direction, advice, and instruction that you did not ask for. “You need to handle it this way.” “You should go and say this.”
Unless you have hired them as your coach, they do not belong in that role.
That is the same dynamic in reverse. Now they are stepping into a relationship that should be handled directly, person to person, and positioning themselves as the authority in something that is not theirs.
Healthy interactions do not work that way.
They stay clean. One person speaks directly to the other. There are no intermediaries, no message carriers, and no third-party interpretations muddying the waters. Just clear, direct communication between the people actually involved.
And here is where this connects very directly to hypnosis, in a way most people never notice.
Triangulation works because it functions like an indirect suggestion tied to identity.
When someone says, “You’re the one who can help,” they are not just asking. They are activating a role. If you already carry the identity of being helpful, capable, or the one who fixes things, your unconscious mind accepts that suggestion automatically.
You do not evaluate it logically.
You respond to it.
You step into the role because it feels like who you are.
That is exactly how the suggestion works. It links to an existing identity, triggers a familiar pattern, and then runs with very little conscious oversight.
The behavior feels like a choice, but it is often a conditioned response.
The moment you understand that, everything changes.
Now you can catch the suggestion as it is happening. You can feel the pull to step in, recognize it as a pattern, and interrupt it. Instead of automatically complying with the role, you choose whether or not it actually belongs to you.
That is real control.
And it leads directly to something most people want but rarely achieve, which is clean relationships.
When you stop triangulating, and you stop allowing others to triangulate you, everything becomes simpler. Conversations happen where they should. Responsibility stays where it belongs. And the emotional noise drops away.
There is a phrase that captures this perfectly, and it is one worth remembering.
"Not my circus, not my monkeys."
It may sound blunt, but it is accurate. The moment you accept the role, you are no longer outside the situation. You are in it, with all the complications that come with it.
If you want a calmer life, clearer thinking, and stronger relationships, this is one of the most useful distinctions you can make, and one of the simplest to apply once you see it clearly.
Do not let other people’s problems become your problems.
It doesn’t help them, and it definitely doesn't help you.
Now I’m not taking a shot at paid counselors here, when all participants have clear roles. And of course, there’s nothing wrong with helping someone if they ask you for advice.
That’s completely different from being burdened with someone else’s responsibility.
But don’t get maneuvered into things that have nothing to do with you. Let people handle their own conversations, take responsibility for their own relationships, and keep your role clean and independent.
Remind people that the circus and the monkeys belong to them, not you.
Don’t let them make you their Ringmaster.
It’s an unpaid and generally thankless job.
- Mike Mandel
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